Go Get It!

The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next.

The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing.

- Michael E. Gerber

Daily Wisdom

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation.

You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew.

Seek, therefore not to find out who you are, seek to determine who you want to be.

- Neale Donald Walsch

Daily Cognitive Intervention

Life consists in what a man [or woman]

is thinking of all day.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Giving Couples Counseling a Try

Over 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. Second marriages have a higher likelihood of failure. Could couples counseling (marriage counseling) help you beat the odds when the going gets tough? Couples counseling can improve your relationship and communication, and maybe get you back on the road to a happier future.

Why Couples Counseling?

If you are seriously concerned about your relationship and wonder if it needs help, chances are it does. Research has shown that couples often wait many years after they first notice problems before seeking couples counseling. This makes couples counseling less likely to be effective, and it can take longer.

What Happens in Counseling?

When you meet with the couple’s counselor, you will share information, explore issues, and clarify the difficulties that you have faced. The counselor will encourage you to express yourself more fully and to listen more carefully than you may have been accustomed to doing in your relationship. Important questions will be asked about your communication, the time you spend with each other, and the pattern of closeness you experience – the moving toward and away from each other. All of this helps your counselor assess the duration and intensity of your conflict so mutual goals can be established.

Couples counselors often meet with clients individually to gather information about past relationships and life events. These experiences affect relationships and can give clues to strategies for change. “What will change or be different in your relationship if couples counseling is successful?” Answering this question can help you know when your goal has been met or when couples counseling should end.

You and your partner may participate in activities and communication exercises at home and in the sessions. The goal is to learn skills to enjoy the rewards of a

warm, affectionate, and supportive relationship. You will develop strategies

to use in the future if difficulties return. Support from the counselor will

help reinforce the changes you learn.

Common Problems and You?

Although couples are unique, few problems are new to couples counselors. Sexual issues, money problems, children and parenting issues, religion differences, in-law difficulties, and communication issues are common struggles. Infidelity and cheating, jealousy, balancing work and home, differences in goals and values, and concerns about compatibility all bring couples into counseling.

Who Provides Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is usually provided by licensed mental health professionals who have experience and training in working with couples. Marriage and family therapists, clinical social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, and professional counselors may all offer services. Your HMO or PPO may have other options for struggling couples. But remember, if you must pay out of pocket, it might be worth it.

What if My Spouse Won’t Go?

If your spouse or partner refuses to go to couples counseling, it does not mean that your relationship can’t be helped. Couples counseling often starts with one person, with the more reluctant partner joining later. Even if your partner never joins you, it is still possible to make some significant improvements in your relationship.

Adapted from DFA E005 2007

A Matter of Trust

We have often pointed out that trust is essential in a healthy and growing relationship. And the single most important element in that trust is safety.

The need for physical safety is a given, but in emotional terms, how is that sense of safety damaged in our intimate relationships?

Obvious examples might include, physical violence and actively trying to tear down your partner with name-calling or other hurtful statements intended to do harm.

These examples are more likely to occur with couples stuck in a cycle of trying to "win" a disagreement, sometimes at any cost.

Less obvious examples are more often encountered, even in generally satisfying relationships.

Two of the more subtle forms are undermining and discouraging. Both are closely related and important to address.

A good analogy for emotional undermining occurs frequently when we are trying to lose weight and our partner brings home our favorite cheese cake.

A mistake is one thing, but a pattern of such behavior can be undermining.

Discouraging is well-known to most of us and can be intended to help us avoid trouble.

Reminding us of our limitations rather than our strengths, or focusing us on the difficulties of our life options, if consistently applied as a pattern, can be discouragement.

What to do about these patterns in our relationships?

Point these patterns out, how they effect you, and describe how you would rather have a partner express concern for you.

These often well-intentioned partners can be offended by an allegation of using these processes.

Maintain the effort consistently and tactfully and always tell them what to do instead for your sense of safety. And call us if you need help.

Live Well. Now.

More of Getting Started

The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace

- Unknown fortune cookie

When you think about what you want, what comes to mind? In this holiday season, most of us are likely to reel off a list of items that we desire to own.

Nothing wrong with that, of course, as long as we keep the Big Picture in mind.

What is the Big Picture for you? We encourage a focus on meaning and purpose and feeling good about your life.

Start with the basics as your foundation.

What do you say to someone who asks you, “Are you happy?” Most people would say things like, “Yeah, mostly” or “I guess so” or “Why do you ask?”

We all spend so much time trying to get daily life done that we lose track of the overall perspective.

Keep it simple. Knowing the basic elements of happiness for you, is the key to getting more of what you want at the core of yourself.

Consider the emotional issues you are coping with and how it is going with each. Keep it brief and to-the-point. Then, set that list aside.

Next, consider what is important to you and what you want more of in your life: love, peace, meaning, friendship, etc.

Then, consider what you might do to get more of these elements in your life. Again, keep it simple and focus on two or three elements you can do easily.

For example, if you love being in the water, resolve to go swimming more often. If you love to learn new things, resolve to take a class or to pick up a book (or laptop) and learn.

This is the beginning exercise that we should repeat often, just like physical exercise. Your answers may become most elaborate, but always keep them “do-able”.

This level of focus gives you the ability to plan to be successful with your efforts.

We say it often because it is true: do more of what you want and do less of what you don’t.

Are there life complications that make this a difficult plan to implement? Of course.

The point is to do what you can, when you can, to feed your core emotional needs.

You can do it and we can help.

Live Well.

How's Your Marriage Going?

Most couples have periods of marital stress from time to time.

Do you know when you need to address things directly rather than wait for them to improve?

Take a look at the article, "Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce" available at http://www.helpstartshere.org/. This is the website of the National Association of Social Workers.

Insight Associates is a psychotherapy practice of professional Social Workers with clinical, therapeutic licenses from the state of North Carolina.

Schedule an appointment in Waynesville or Whittier, NC, to help you resolve your questions about relationships and life.