You Can Do It!

Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it! Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now!

- Johann Von Goethe

Passive / Aggressive?

Take a chance! All life is a chance. The person who goes farthest is generally the one who will do and dare.
- Unknown Author

The old term, passive-aggressive, is not used as often as in the past, but it still applies to a lot of people.

The term refers to those who passively tolerate people and situations even though they don’t want to.

Their frustration builds until the blow-up or break-down.

This process is almost like flying on auto-pilot emotionally.

As usual, we have all either been passive-aggressive ourselves or watched someone who carried out this decision-making and behavior pattern.

It is usually a pattern of behavior we are very familiar with.

Maybe our parents have used this pattern and we have watched as it seemed to work for them; conflicts were avoided and family balance reestablished as long as someone stayed quiet.

Perhaps Mom or Dad had the role of always being right, and the other, always gave in.

Later, we might have been passive in tolerating an uncomfortable situation and then over-reacted in responding to a minor frustration; like dealing with a child or a fellow driver on the road.

If it worked in the past, why change? What are the pros and cons of this behavior?

The upside is that it works (to avoid conflict) and the downside is that it doesn’t work well enough (for our emotional satisfaction).

Ask yourself if this has become a habit for you.

Am I trying to avoid a conflict or confrontation that might occur if I said what I really think and feel?

We can all think of exceptions to the general rule of speaking openly and honestly (did you really like Grandma’s anise seed cookies?).

But, if you find that you swallow your feelings more often than you want, and then aggressively express your feelings in damaging ways due to your frustration, you need to change your pattern.

Recognize your pattern. Remain calm. Say what you think and feel, calmly and tactfully.

Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work perfectly. Recognize that it will take time to get into a new and healthier rhythm. Get a trusted partner to help you if you want or need one.

Stick with it. You can do this. We can help.

Live Well. Now.

Living Fearlessly?

Because you are in control of your life. Don't ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.

- Barbara Hall

The other day I was driving an unfamiliar stick-shift vehicle when I had a choice of routes to my destination. One was slightly longer and easier. The other was shorter and more convenient.

But, the shorter route was also steep. And the thought went through my mind that I might stall the vehicle in the intersection.

I had done so while driving my own vehicle once (okay twice) and felt the humiliation of having others honk their horns at me to get out of their way.

As I had these thoughts of choosing a route, I was struck by how ridiculous this “fear” was. All of these thoughts, and the decision, took only 2-minutes at most.

All of this led me to wonder, how would you live if you had no fear of failing?

If you want to assess this question in your life you might consider the following:
Have you been successful more often than not in the past in similar situations?
What are the consequences of failing (stalling)? For me they were not that big (and I could deal with that potential for a small humiliation).
Do you need to face the fear? In this case I did; this was a small challenge regardless of the outcome.

This situation was small but it illustrated a much larger issue to me about how I think and assess my choices. If a tiny fear in a tiny situation was influencing my choices then how else might fear influence me?

We all have to continue to recognize our thought patterns and make conscious decisions that are right for us rather than be limited by fear.

What fear is limiting you right now? Considering what you want to consider for your life? Saying what you what to say? Thinking what you what to think? Living the way you want to live?

You might also ask yourself if you are doing something to prevent yourself from dealing with fear. This might sound unlikely but in reality it is very common.

Are you overeating, spending, drinking, drugging, focused on trivia, or just generally distracting yourself and avoiding the question?

Don’t let fear of any size be the determining factor in your life decisions. Author Susan Jeffers wrote a book called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. That’s a good perspective for all of us to have.

There are rarely situations in daily life where we can truly “fail”. Even if we do, we get back up, learn from mistakes and go on to do it better next time.

Live Well. Now.

Happy New Year!

What do you resolve to do for yourself in the new year? Resolutions are actually goals for ourselves. Personal fitness, financial and work-related goals are perennial favorites for most of us.

Keep resolutions reasonable and achievable to help maintain your motivation. They should also be measurable so you can see progress and know when you have been successful.

Reward yourself modestly when you reach your goal and then set another one.

Avoid dragging out a resolution that is too difficult, instead make a smaller goal and achieve it. Success builds on itself. You can do it.

Live Well. Now.

Kindness

Be kind to one another- this is the Golden Rule of marriage and the secret of making love last through the years.
- Randolph Ray

Right for Love?

Success in love is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the right person.
- Unknown

Addiction in the Family

We recently received a second call from the young woman dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. She said she was doing better but she also had ongoing concerns about repairing damaged relationships.

We wanted to provide some brief ideas to help her, and anyone else, cope with addiction and the effects on families.

Understanding these effects can help you make better choices.

Even loving parents often let go of their addicted child at some point, after years or decades. They might stop asking about your life because they are afraid of being given more to worry about.

They refused to give you money or a place to stay because you have abused their love and kindness in the past. You have given them many reasons not to trust you; a proven track record of distrust.

Addiction can make good people turn to lying and stealing from family members. Family members separate from you as a way to maintain their own emotional health.

Don’t let anger and frustration derail your efforts at recovery.

Accept that it will take time for them to even begin to trust you again. Focus on getting your life back on track rather than proving to them that you are trying.

That means your recovery has to be the priority in your life, even when no one is watching you.

The bitter reality is that an addict can spend years complaining to the family about how difficult recovery is so they don’t have to really dig in and do it.

We can’t blame others when they become fatigued while dealing with our distorted lives. We all have a limit to our endurance, even Mom and Dad.

Of course this is oversimplifying the process. Many pieces of the puzzle need to be in place to maintain a healthy recovery plan.

We need to recognize that life can always get better but we must make an effort to get there. The first piece is deciding to be responsible for your life and what happens to you from this day forward.

Ask for what you need; people want to help.

Live Well.